Best Christmas Song EVER!

12 Pains of Christmas Lyrics

LMAO Wednesday

~I told Santa you were good this year....and
He hasn't stopped laughing since! 

~A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

~No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

~No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

~Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

   Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

~As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, 

"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: 

"Didn't you get my E-mail?"

LMAO Wednesday

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

LMAO Wednesday

~Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

~Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

~There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 

~He who laughs last thinks slowest!

~A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 

~If Wal-Mart is always lowering it's prices, how come nothing is free yet?

LMAO Wednesday

Today I'm posting jokes about living in New England. I've lived in New England all my life. In fact I've only traveled out of New England a handful of times, so I can say with certainty that these jokes are in fact true!

You know you're from New England when........

-your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May.

-you use the word "wicked" (all the time!)

-you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

-you find a snowmobile as a reasonable means of transportation for 4 months out of the year.

-you consider 65 degree ocean water "warm."

-chocolate sprinkles will forever be known as "Jimmies."

-"Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

-you've been to the Cape.

-stop signs mean slow down a little bit, but only if you feel like it.

-you keep an ice scraper in your car year 'round.

-you've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so that you can make a left turn. (isn't that how everyone drives?)

-you know that its not really "Six Flags New England"... but "Riverside".

-you know what a whoopie pie is.

-you measure distance in hours.

-you know what "Shaw's" is.

-everyone in town over 50 goes to Florida between October and April.

-you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

-you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

-you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

-you know what a bubblela is, and you drink soda, and you pop someone in the face.

-you stay on the same road long enough, the name will change at least 3 times.

-someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out as soon as the light turned green... Or you have honked at someone because they didn't peel out as soon as the light turned green.

-you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked.

-you refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."

-you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

-the speed limit on the highway is 65 mph -- you're going 80, and everybody is passing you.

-there are 25 Dunkin' Donuts within 20 minutes of your house.

-driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

-you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

-you've ever gone candlepin bowling.

-you think 3 straight days of 90 degree weather is a heatwave. (It is!)

-the transportation system is known as the "T," subway is just a fast food place.

-your town or a neighboring one has a rotary/circle/roundabout.

-someone says "Patriot" and you immediately think of the football Team.

-you meant to go to cvs, but you miss the turn by five feet and wind up at walgreens; look across the street, and decide you'd better go to brooks instead.

-Sox-Yankees games are a life and death matter.

-there is a town green in the middle of your town.

-you refuse anything but real maple syrup.

-you regularly drive on roads that are as narrow and windy as a deer trail.

-you know how to cross 4 lanes of traffic in 5 seconds.

-you know that a yellow light means that at least 5 more cars can make it through before it turns red.

-you get pissed off when people assume New York is part of New England.

-a yellow light means "You can make it if you go a little faster"

-the first day after winter that's it sunny outside, you roll down all the windows of your car and pretend its summer, and even though its still 30 degrees, you refuse to roll up your windows.

LMAO Wednesday

~When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car

~"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." -Zsa Zsa Gabor

~"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner." -Lyndon B. Johnson.

~"I can resist everything except temptation." -Oscar Wilde.

~A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

LMAO Wednesday

Lots of blog do "Wordless Wednesday" when they post just a picture they like. Nothing wrong with that. But words can be funny. I love short quotes that make me laugh. I'm instantly put in a better mood. I figured every Wednesday I'll share my favorite funny quotes that I've seen! Here's what I got this week:

~A man asked a genie to make him a billion times smarter than any man on Earth, so the genie turned him into a woman.

~Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. -Dilbert

~Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

~If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -Laurence J. Peter

~Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth. -Will Rogers.